What Does Anger In A Relationship Mean? Healthy Ways To Express Anger In Your Relationship

What does anger in a relationship mean?

If you’re in a relationship it’s likely that you’ve experienced anger towards your partner. Anger is one of our core emotions and it’s bound to surface in your most important relationships.

Experiencing anger in your relationship doesn’t mean there’s a problem. It means that there’s something important to you that isn’t being respected or acknowledged. 

Anger can be a sign of a normal and healthy relationship as long as it’s being expressed and regulated by both people in healthy ways. 

If anger is being expressed by either partner in an aggressive or abusive manner it could be a sign of a problem that needs to be addressed. You can check out this article to learn more about when anger is a red flag in a relationship.

In this article Shelby Jacobs who specializes in couples counseling in Denver, Colorado and Cody Mitts who specializes in anger management counseling in Denver, Colorado we explore some of the problems that often surface about anger and relationships including:

• Why do I get the most angry with my partner?
• Anger as a secondary emotion
• What else could anger mean in my relationship?
• What triggers anger in a relationship?
• How to express healthy anger to a loved one

Anger in your relationship is bound to happen. If you and your partner work towards becoming an emotionally intelligent couple it won’t feel like a problem.

Why do I get the most angry with my partner?

The fact that your partner makes you angrier than other people could actually be a sign of relationship health.

Another person’s ability to influence your emotions is oftentimes representative of your strong attachment to them. Attachment science teaches us that all humans are wired for close connection, whether we recognize and pursue that need or not.

That means that when you’re in a close relationship with someone, such as that of a couple, you crave intimacy and your nervous system is on high alert for signs of threat (real or perceived) to the relationship. A nervous system on high-alert does not take time to slow down emotion, but escalates emotions quickly to prepare you for action.

This is beneficial in emergency situations, but can be harmful if left unchecked in situations such as relationships, where it is necessary to slow down and experience emotion for effective communication with your partner.

Anger as a secondary emotion

In our society, people often times find it easier to express anger than other more vulnerable emotions.

When you feel sad, hurt, embarrassed, or afraid, sometimes you show anger instead; societal messaging can lead us to believe it is weak to show these emotions, whereas the expression of anger can be viewed as righteous and strong.

It takes a lot more trust in a person to let them see that they have wounded you, than to let them see that they have frustrated or angered you.

This means anger can be a secondary emotion, or can be masking those primary emotions that feel too vulnerable to express in a relationship.

It should be noted that BOTH the person experiencing anger, and the partner of that person, may have difficulty initially identifying the softer emotions underlying the anger.

What else could anger mean in my relationship?

Anger can come across in intimate relationships as frequent nagging and criticism.

Sometimes the expressed message is “I am so angry with you/you never do anything right/you are unreliable” but the underlying message is something more akin to “I really need you, and want to rely on you/I feel terribly lonely when we are not in sync/I have needs and want to trust that you WANT to try to meet them.”

When someone struggles with anger, it can often feel better to have a negative reaction from their partner, than no reaction at all.

When we tune into our attachment needs and longing, this is perfectly logical. It is best to know that someone close to you cares enough to have a reaction to you, and sometimes the quickest way to test that is by criticizing or nagging, and “turning up the volume” of the conflict.

It may not be an ideal relationship strategy, but it does convey a human desire to be noticed and seen by your partner. EFT couples therapists are experts at helping you and your partner identify, experience, and communicate the more vulnerable emotions that frequently lie underneath anger in an intimate relationship. 

What triggers anger in a relationship

The emotion of anger can be triggered for many different reasons. Some of the common reasons people report feeling angry is due to feeling disrespected, feeling unheard, or feeling a lack of control.

I often describe triggers as a soft spot in your emotions. When someone pokes at that soft spot by doing something you don’t like, your anger comes out to protect you.

If you often feel triggered in your relationship it might be an indication there are some unresolved feelings or hurt towards your partner. Perhaps you feel anger when your partner is late for things and you feel like they’re often late for important things in your life. 

While it might seem like you’re upset that they’re late, your anger might actually be triggered because their tardiness makes you feel like they don’t care about you. The pain of feeling unloved might actually be what’s triggering your anger.

Whenever you feel angry it’s helpful to try and be curious about what your anger is telling you. The next time you feel triggered by your partner running late, take some time to explore the feeling beneath your anger that makes you feel like your partner doesn’t care enough about you.

It can also be helpful to spend some time writing down the things that trigger your anger. Then take some time to examine why those things feel so important to you. This is where a therapist or counselor can be helpful to help you explore some things you may not understand by yourself.

How to express healthy anger to a loved one

The key to expressing healthy anger to a loved one is to make sure your anger isn’t too intense, and then practicing how to be both kind and firm.

The first part is making sure your anger isn’t too intense. If you feel flooded with too much anger it will be difficult to express yourself in a healthy or helpful way. In anger management counseling we use an anger scale to help you learn to identify when your anger is becoming too high and more difficult to control.

The goal is to learn how to be angry and be okay at the same time. If you’ve struggled with your anger this might seem like a new idea. If healthy anger hasn’t been modeled to you it can seem difficult to be angry and be kind.

This is where you can begin to practice how to be kind and firm. I like to define this as assertive communication when you can express yourself in a way that is honest and direct, but is still kind and shows your partner you care about them.

Start by thinking and writing down what it means to be kind. What are the words you use when you’re being kind. Think about how you talk when you’re kind, what does your voice sound like? What type of facial expressions and body language do you use when you’re being kind?

Being firm is easy when your angry. It’s learning how to soften your firmness and add in the kindness that might take some practice. Being firm means you’re honest about your feelings, but you express those feelings without being mean.

A phrase that I like to remember when I’m practicing assertive communication is to focus on attacking as issue, don’t attack a person.

Expressing yourself with kindness when you’re angry will take some practice and you will likely make some mistakes along the way. Don’t give up if you make a mistake. Learn from it and continue practicing how to be kind and firm when you’re expressing your anger.